if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
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You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
These are my roll models.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.