The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
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You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.