what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
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“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I have questions??
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.