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The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair