My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 馃槀
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Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that鈥檚 just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Sorry, ma鈥檃m. I鈥檓 a solid 4 1/2. You鈥檙e an 8. You鈥檙e out of my league.
It鈥檚 fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I鈥檇 never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there鈥檚 more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I鈥檓 really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I鈥檓 running away to join the circus.
Never forget.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I鈥檓 no longer allowed at the morgue
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Boss: I鈥檓 afraid I鈥檓 going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a鈥ow-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it鈥檚 gonna come out.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Home improvement
but it鈥檚 just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor鈥檚 wind chimes with tampons.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn鈥檛 find it