angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
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We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.