The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
what could possibly go wrong?
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”