Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
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As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I triple waxed for this?
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
How to wake up a Beagle
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin