“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
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I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I’m having an out of money experience.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
happy mother’s day❤️
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.