*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
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What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle