Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
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[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it