ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
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The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*