I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
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(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.