How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
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teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Breaking news:
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.