“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
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(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.