“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
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[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
PARKOUR
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.