PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
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Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder