The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
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Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Oh my God.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.