ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
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Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
No. He’s not coming out to play
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.