The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good