Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
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Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ