I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
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Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}