Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
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all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
How is it still this week?
damn he’s good
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I get distracted pretty eas
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”