Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
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HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you