chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
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I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.