I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
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Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
October already? What’s next? November????
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.