[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest