The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
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Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Why does laundry happen to good people?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored