My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
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Me: how are you
Friday: good
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.