94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
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Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal