Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
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Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me