looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
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My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
How your email finds me
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!