[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
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Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.