I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Tell the colonel to bring it
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
every single time
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy