ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
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Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?