I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
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If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.