Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
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You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing