Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
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Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.