[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
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What level of hell is this?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
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ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
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“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
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Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
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Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
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