I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab