It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
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Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.