*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
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[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Stop being racist to kettles.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning