To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
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Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.