I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
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I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.