My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
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Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.