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Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
me logging onto twitter
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!