Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
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“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Simple
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…