Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
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*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.