Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
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Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
that lip filler tho
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Thank you corporation very cool
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*