Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
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Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh